ND: I'm Nick Diamond.
JG: And I'm Johnny Gomez.
ND: And this is RPG Celebrity Deathmatch.
** Glitzy three-dimensional RPG Celebrity Deathmatch comes onscreen
complete with fire effects and branding iron effects. Then the logo goes offscreen and a little RPG Celebrity Deathmatch bug spins in the corner perpetually.
JG: Um, Nick, where did that come from?
ND: Didn't you hear? The Fox network bought us out.
JG: Oh yeah... anyway, here's a roundup of tonight's competition. We'll have the Blackjack, Falcon, Highwind, Destiny, Dragon Wings and Ocarina of Time.
ND: Ooh, this should be interesting... first we'll have the Blackjack vs. the Falcon.
JG: And they're off! Hey, ND, isn't this more of a RACE than a death match?!
ND: Of course! But we were bought out by Fox, and they hate races.
JG: Me too, Nick. OK, the Blackjack makes a swift turn and the Falcon
follows it. Uh oh, though, our telemetries show that the pilots of
BOTH ships are sick!
ND: Is this sabotage? Or just a twisted coincidence?
JG: Both at the same time? I don't think so...
ND: OK they both have some standby pilots taking over... both are
starting to weave and lose speed...
JG: Ouch, things look bad... remember, whoever crashes second wins on a technicality.
ND: But how the hell are they supposed to fly in the next match?
JG: Beats me!
ND: OK, it looks like the Blackjack pilot is OK. The guy downstairs cured him with no more than the word "G'ho!"
JG: Oh, but it looks like the Falcon doesn't have any first aid on board! It's going down once more....
** CRASH!! **
JG: And the Blackjack wins!
Crowd: YAY!
ND: Boy, that was really A GAMBLE!
Crowd: Groan.
ND: Um... anyway. Now we have the Highwind vs. the Destiny!
JG: Ooh, this ought to be interesting...
ND: OK they're off!
JG: And the Highwind goes off to a great start. It goes over a mountain pass while the Destiny gets stuck in those tight corners. But then
they need to make it past a mountain!
ND: Ooh, wait, does that mountain have grass on top?
JG: Yes.
ND: Then, as planned, the Highwind has trouble getting past the
mountain. The Destiny glides right over it.
JG: But then comes some rocky water. That does it, the Destiny is
gonna take hours to get out of there.
ND: Security! Call a tow truck.
JG: Looks like the Highwind is our winner!
Crowd: YAY!
ND: Boy, guess that Destiny was built "Like a rock."
Crowd: Groan.
JG: Cut it out! Next we have... oh now get real. That isn't transportation... it's a pair of damn wings and a musical instrument!!
ND: Well now someone has to win.
JG: Okay, go ahead guys!
ND: The dragon wings go to the town effortlessly while the ocarina goes to a dungeon in the middle of nowhere.
JG: Wow, that was fast! Looks like the wings won.
Crowd: YAY!
ND: This should be called "When Warps Stink."
Crowd: Groan.
ND: Tough crowd.
JG: Okay here we have the Blackjack vs. the Highwind.
ND: They're off! The Blackjack gets a head start.
JG: OK, looks like things are close here...
ND: Oh, no, looks like the world is breaking up!!!
JG: Arrg! We're in trouble! But the airships should be OK, I mean they ARE airborne...
ND: Nope, look, the Blackjack is falling apart!
JG: Oh, man, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of! An airship falling apart because of turmoil on the ground below!
ND: But wait a minute... something's wrong... the Highwind's engines
are starting to sputter.
ND: Hold it... What the hell? The engines fell off, and more engines came out...??
JG: Wierd, whoever heard of an airplane with two kinds of engines?!
ND: Well, it worked...
JG: The Blackjack's gone...
ND: The Highwind's OK! It won!
Crowd: YAY!
ND: Groan.
Crowd: Why did the chicken cross the road?
JG: Waaaiiitt a minute... hmm what's in this coffee?!?!
ND: OK looks like the Highwind versus the Dragon Wings.
JG: OK they're off again!
ND: You know, they only say that at horse races.
JG: You think racing an airship with two sets of engines and a pair of wings that warp you to places is more dignified than horse races?
ND: OK, fine... The Dragon Wings start to warp to the finish line, but wait! They haven't been there yet!
JG: The Highwind is off to a good start.
ND: Wait, the Dragon Wings warp to a previously visited location 2 minutes away from the finish line.
JG: And the...um, pilot?... walks to the finish line, beating the Highwind by a long shot.
ND: WOW! We have a winner, the ...um wing things....
Crowd: Boo!
JG: Why should they win?! They aren't even a viable form of transportation!
Crowd: Oooooohhhh!
ND: So what?! They won, didn't they?
Crowd: Yayyyy!!
** JG starts beating up ND...
Crowd: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
JS: Guys, guys... Sic 'em, Steve...
Crowd: Steve, Steve, Steve!
Fox Censor: All right, hold it. This show needs to be tamer!
Everybody: Groan.