ND: Greetings, fight-fans! I'm Nick Diamond!
JG: And I'm Johnny Gomez!
APRIL: And I'm special guest announcer, April O'Neil!
ND: Tonight we present an epic battle of the ages: "Fight Of The Awesome Foursomes!"
JG: In one corner, we have the legendary Four Heroes of Althena: Dragonmaster Dyne, Hell Mel D'Alkirk, the lovely Lemia Ausa, and pre-Magic Emperor Ghaleon!
ND: And in the other corner, the legendary Four Heroes of weekday afternoon cartoons, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo, and Raphael!
APRIL: Let's have a word with our champions before the fight.
JG: So, Turtles, you've gotta admit this fight's gonna be a bit...one-sided, right? So why are you going through with this?
LEONARDO: We needed the money.
DONATELLO: We haven't worked in years.
MICHAELANGELO: I've almost forgotten what pizza tastes like!
RAPHAEL: And because the tyrannical-overlord author made us.
ND: And what about our Lunar stars? Why did you accept the Turtles' challenge?
DYNE: We wanted to help them out.
LEMIA: Like they said, they needed the work.
MEL: It was the least we could do. We're all huge fans of their show.
GHALEON: And the tyrannical-overlord author made us.
METHOS: Okay, enough of the "tyrannical-overlord author" already!
ND: April, you haven't had any problems finding work. What's your secret?
(APRIL blushes)
JG: Yeah, especially a cushy gig like this. How'd you land a role as an announcer on this?
APRIL: Well...
(Flashback to APRIL and METHOS toasting champagne during a romantic candlelight dinner. APRIL smiles seductively as METHOS...)
ND & JG: WHAT A LOAD OF @#%&!!!!
ND: In your DREAMS, Methos!
JG: Dude, you seriously need to get a life!
METHOS: Just shut up and start the friggin' fight already!
ND: Why, so you can cash in on the popularity of the Lunar Deathmatches?
JG: Yeah, can't you be original for once?
METHOS: Look, either you start the fight or I'm gonna...(whispers to ND and JG. They look horrified.)
JG: You wouldn't.
METHOS: Wanna bet?
ND: Um...and the fight is on! (under his breath) You rat-bastard...
METHOS: I heard that.
(Weapons are drawn and magic spells prepared. LEONARDO charges DYNE.)
LEONARDO: TURTLES FIGHT WITH HONOR!!!
JG: What a guy! Dyne counters only using his sword, trying to keep it even!
ND: Where's the fun in that?
JG: Hey, if he didn't, this Deathmatch would be over in two seconds.
ND: And that's a bad thing?
JG: Now the other Turtles are moving in! Donatello's aiming one of his gizmos at Lemia!
(DONATELLO presses a button. It launches a stream of a confetti-like substance at Lemia.)
LEMIA: Is that the best you can do?
DONATELLO: Hey, I'm a cartoon character. I don't do lethal weapons.
LEMIA: That's it. I've had enough of this. (LEMIA reduces Donatello to ash with a Flameria spell.)
JG: First blood to the Lunar team!
ND: The rest of them seem to be following Lemia's example and smacking down hard on the Turtles!
GHALEON: Peer into the eyes of your executioner, Turtle-boy!
RAPHAEL: Bring it, Spock!
GHALEON: If you insist. (GHALEON atomizes RAPHAEL with his Dragon Cannon spell.)
JG: Man, he's gonna feel THAT in the morning!
ND: Now Michaelangelo leaps into the fray, going right for Hell Mel!
MICAHELANGELO: Cowabunga!!!
JG: Wow, what a catch! Mel just nabbed Mike in mid-air and...ooooooog.
(MEL has stuffed MICHAELANGELO into his shell with his fist.)
ND: Saturday morning cartoons were never like this!
JG: And I thought this was gonna be boring.
ND: Only Leonardo and Dyne are still at it going sword to sword!
JG: Still?
ND: That's right! These two sword masters are locked in an intricate duel of death, equally skilled, equally matched, equally...
(DYNE splits LEONARDO in half with Althena's Sword.)
ND: ...uh, never mind.
JG: At least it was quick.
ND: Thank G-d.
JG: Hey, we haven't heard from April in a while. Where is she?
ND: And where's Mills Lane, our referee been all night?
(APRIL and MILLS LANE are in the corner, locked in a passionate embrace)
APRIL: So, Milly, what are you doing after the deathmatch?
ND: "Milly?"
JG: That's just sick. Plain and simple.
ND: So on that note, this is Nick Diamond.
JG: ANd Johnny Gomez saying, "good night, good fight."
ND: And good riddance.