ND: Greetings, fight fans! I'm Nick Diamond!
JG: And I'm Johnny Gomez!
STAN: And I'm special guest announcer, Stan Lee! Welcome to tonight's Lunar Deathmatch! Tonight's epic clash of titans..."Battle Of The Lame Superhero Wannabes!"
ND: Thanks, Stan! Now in this -
STAN: Prepare yourselves, O True Believers, for a spectacle of feeble attempts at superheroics! Thrills and chills! More blood than you can shake a sword at!
JG: Uh, Stan...
STAN: All this in the MIGHTY DEATHMATCH MANNER!!!
ND & JG: STAN!!!
STAN: Huh? Oh, sorry, fellas. I got a little carried away.
ND: No kidding.
JG: Let's introduce our contestants. In the "Lunar" corner...
STAN: Fighting for the world of Lunar...the self-styled champion of the oppressed and defender of truth...sworn to punish the guilty and protect the innocent! Convinced that his dinky eye-mask makes him unrecognizable...White Knight Leo, the ignominious MYSTERE!!!
MYSTERE: I, Lord Leo? I cannot claim such a great and worthy honor! I am merely...Msytere!
ND: Give it up, Leo. We all know it's you.
MYSTERE: Knock it off, damnit! You'll give away my secret identity!
JG: WHAT secret identity? Nobody could be fooled by that stupid mask!
LOIS LANE (from crowd): Even I can tell!
ND: *sighs* Let's just move on. In the other corner...
STAN: Standing proud for the honor of cheesy Saturday morning cartoons at their worst...the world-renowned laughing-stocks of the super-hero community!!! She turns into animals...he turns into any form of water! Ladies and gentlemen...Zan and Jayna, the ignominious WONDER TWINS!
(Zan and Jayna bow to the crowd. The crowd is chanting "BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!" while holding up signs and banners of The Wonder Twins in various states of gruesome death.)
ND: Quite a big turn out for this one.
JG: I think the entire universe tuned in just to watch Zan and Jayna die.
STAN: Why did the Wonder Twins agree to this, anyway? It's not like they needed the work. They have their own movie coming out soon. How'd you sign them up?
(ND and JG give each other conspirational smiles)
JG: It was like this...
(Dissolve to a dark, deserted alley. The Wonder Twins are bound and gagged, and ND and JG are meeting with Superman and Batman.)
SUPERMAN: This'll teach you annoying little brats to get your own movie before me!
ND: You're actually willing to PAY us to put the Wonder Twins in a deathmatch?
JG: You realize, of course, that with all the paperwork and bribes and all that stuff, that this is going to be rather expensive.
BATMAN: Hey, my alter ego's a multi-billionaire. Whatever it costs to get these little pests out of our hair.
ND: I think that can be arranged.
JG: You boys have got a deal.
SUPERMAN & BATMAN: YES!!! (They hi-five each other)
BATMAN: I think you just fractured my wrist.
(End flashback)
ND: Speaking of which, Johnny, how are you going to spend your million bucks?
JG: I dunno. Maybe a new car...travel a bit. You?
ND: I'm gonna sign up with one of those satellite cable companies. Those classic movie stations look pretty interesting.
STAN: And how'd you sucker Leo into this?
ND: Him? Oh, that was easy.
(Flashback to Lord Leo posing in front of a mirror on the Dragonship Destiny. Hiro and Co. approach)
HIRO: Hey, Leo? How'd you like the honor of dying nobly to stop a pair of evil, malicious monsters who've been wreaking havoc on some kids shows?
LUCIA: I'll put in a good word with Althena if you do.
LEO: Really? Why, of course! For my goddess that I have sworn to serve, as leader of Althena's guard, and for the sake of the innocent children, I shall fight 'till my last breath to rid the universe of these scum!
LEMINA: Yeah, we were kinda counting on that.
LEO: It is time, once again, for the world to know the power of...MYSTERE!
(He glides out of the room. Ronfar gives Jean I triumphant look.)
RONFAR: You owe me twenty bucks.
(End flashback)
JG: Any thoughts on the final outcome?
STAN: I dunno. Considering their powers and levels of competence...I think this will actually be a close match.
ND: It looks like everyone's ready to go! The fight's gonna begin!
JG: About friggin' time, too.
MILLS LANE: All right, I want a nice, bloody mess! FIGHT!
STAN: And the battle is joined as three mighty contestants rush into the melee, determined to walk away a winner...or not at all!
MYSTERE (spinning his sword around): Sample my goods, losers!
ND: I'm not touching that comment with a ten foot pole.
STAN: I'm glad the Comic Book Code can't see this.
ZAN: Form of ice!
(Zan liquifies himself and turns into a flat layer of ice on the ring. Mystere charges forward blindly and actually manages to slip on the ice)
JG: Mystere is sliding one the ice right into the ropes...and bouncing back towards the Twins!
JAYNA: Form of...an elephant!
STAN: The fighting is fast and fierce now, as Jayna brings her powers into play for the first time! Mystere is catapulting towards her with incredible speed! Which shall prevail? Jayna's mass or Mystere's velocity?
*SPLAT!!!*
ND: Jayna's mass.
JG: Mystere is peeling himself off Jayna's elephantine leg. He's still on his feet, folks!
MYSTERE: Argle bargle gargle whoosh?
STAN: But for how much longer? How many more earth-shattering blows can the mighty Mystere withstand?
ZAN: Form of ice cubes! Prepare for another "trip," you square! See you in the "fall!"
(ND, JG, and STAN wince at the atrocious pun)
MYSTERE: Oh, no you don't! I'm not falling for that again! You need a spanking, brat!
STAN: Mystere strikes back with his Rock Viper spell, burying Zan under flaming rock!
ND: But what's this? Zan's pulling a Terminator 2 deal...he's in water form and he's inching his way towards Mystere!
STAN: He's now right at Mystere's feet and...he's starting to boil!
(Mystere begins hopping up and down on one foot, yelping in pain)
MYSTERE: Ow ow ow ow ow ow!!!
(Zophar, from his dark domain, watches the battle and cackles with glee.)
ZOPHAR: If losers like Mystere are all Lunar has to defend itself, they have no chance against my supreme might! By the way, has anyone seen Lord Leo around?
ZAN: Jayna! Let's clean this fuddy-duddy's clock!
JAYNA: I'm on it, dude! Shape of...a bunny!
JG: A bunny?
(Jayna turns herself into an adorable little bunny with big blue eyes. Mystere stares at her in shock and horror.)
MYSTERE: No! It's...too...cute! Must...resist...
ND: Ooh...that's just mean.
JG: I don't think The Wonder Twins are as dumb as everyone thinks they are. (The crowd starts pelting JG with garbage, soda cans, even a few chairs.) I TAKE IT BACK!! I TAKE IT BACK!!! THE WONDER TWINS ARE LOSERS!!!
STAN: Meanwhile, back at the scene of battle, Jayna continues her relentless onslaught of cuteness against Mystere! And...awww, she's blinking and wiggling her nose! That's just adorable.
MSYTERE: Can't...hold out...much longer!
(Jayna hops over to Mystere and sniffs his boots)
MYSTERE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
(Mystere's head suddenly explodes and his heart cannons out of his chest. There is an eerie, stunned silence from the crowd.)
ND: This is a sad, sad day for Lunar.
JG: The Wonder Twins actually won against Mystere? They actually WON???
STAN: I don't see the Lunar groupies complaining too much. Why not?
HIRO: Are you kidding? Do you know how much BS Leo put me through at the beginning of my game?
RUBY: I never liked the clod anyway.
LEMINA: We only entered him in the Deathmatch so he could bite it.
RONFAR: If he couldn't beat the Wonder Twins, he deserved to go.
(The rest of the crowd suddenly turns angry)
BATMAN (arm in a sling): This was more disappointing than my last movie!
STEVE-DAVE PULASTI: This is @#$%ing ridiculous! No way the @#$%ing Wonder Twins could ever win in a @#$%ing fight!
WALT FLANEGAN: Tell 'em, Steve-Dave!
COMIC BOOK GUY FROM THE SIMPSONS: Worst...deathmatch...ever!
ND: I think we have a problem.
STAN: Why do you say that?
(A dagger suddenly imbeds itself in a nearby wall, missing ND by inches)
JG: I'd call an angry lynch mob a problem, wouldn't you?
STAN (chuckling): Boys, boys, boys. Relax. I had a back-up plan in case something like this happened.
(He whispers in their ear. ND and JG smile)
ND: Ahem...well, The Wonder Twins have claimed their victory! But before they can claim the title, there's one more challenge to face! Stan?
STAN: Towering at ten feet tall...one thousand pounds of unbridled fury...a ragins engine of destruction whose strength knows no limits...ladies and gentlemen...THE INCREDIBLE HULK!!!
(The Hulk smashes his way towards the arena and the WT)
HULK: RRRHHHAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHH!!! HULK SMASH!!! HULK SMASH PUNY WONDER TWINS!!!
STAN: Do it for daddy, son!
JG: Is Zan turning into water again?
ND: No, I think he just wet his pants.
JAYNA: Shape of...a hummingbird! Sorry, bro. You're on your own.
ZAN: WHAT??? Jayna, that's so un-cool!
JAYNA: Sorry, bro. This scene isn't swinging anymore. So I'll just be on my - AAACK!!!
HULK: HULK WANT FOOD!!!
JG: Jayna may be fast as a hummingbird, but the Hulk's grabbed her and he's....ooh! He's eaten her! So much for Jayna!
ND: Talk about fast food, Johnny!
JG: Ha! Good one, Nick!
ZAN: Hey, you big bully! Nobody does that to my sister! I'm gonna teach you a lesson! Form of -
HULK: HULK SMASH!!!
* C R U N C H *
ND: Eww...
JG: I knew Zan could turn into a puddle, but I don't think that's what he had in mind.
STAN: That's my boy!
(The whole audience cheers and begins singing "Ding-dong, the witch is dead")
ND: And tonight's Lunar Deathmatch winner...The Incredible Hulk!
STAN: And so, once again, the heat of battle has ended! There has been victory...and defeat. But through it all...
JG: Uh, Stan? What are we going to do about The Hulk?
HULK: HULK SMASH!!!
(The Hulk starts heading towards the announcer booth)
ND, JG, & STAN: Eep!
ND: Well, that's it for the night, folks! I'm Nick Diamond!
JG: And I'm Johnny Gomez, saying "good fight, good night, good BYE!"
STAN: 'Nuff said!
Dedicated to Prince Sean. Welcome back! Hope to see more of Mystere the Mediocre!