Johnny Gomez>Hello fight fans and welcome to another night of exciting carnage on RPG Celebrity Deathmatch. I'm Johnny Gomez.
Nick Diamond>And I'm Nick Diamond. Tonight's bout should be a fine example of the purest form of brutality in the...(looks at the fight card)...battle for the title of Cutest Creature?!
(Both hosts' eyes widen and they shake their heads)
JG>You've got to be kidding me.
ND>I wish I was Johnny...anyway, tonight's, ah, extravaganza consists of a 4-way battle to the death of a handful of the fuzziest, furriest and down-right stomach-churningly cute RPG chars out there.
JG>Ugh, I think we're in for a long night, Nick. Hopefully our special guest commentator will keep the evening lively...from Final Fantasy 3, ah, 6, um...screw it, I never get the numbers right...here's the moogle Mog! (motions to the door, beyond which can be heard arguing)
ND>Mog?
(more murmuring and yells...JG and ND start drumming their fingers impatiently)
JG and ND>MOG!!!
(the door opens partially and a single word is heard)
Mog>Kupo.
(the door slams...JG and ND look at each other)
ND>Well, that was rude. Wonder what he said... (starts rummaging for a translation book)
JG>Guess he wanted more money...last time we have a moogle on this show. Let's get our combatants introduced...
(switch to camera on the ring...the crowd is relatively quiet)
JG>And now, the combatants for tonight's bout. First, from Lunar: Eternal Blue...RUBY!...with trainers Hiro and Nall.
ND>(still rummaging) I'm surprised Nall wasn't one of the fighters...
(Ruby flies out of the dressing room and settles on one ringpost, accompanied by Hiro and Nall in human form)
ND>Second, from Phantasy Star 1...MYAU!
(The Musk Cat, surrounded by Alis, Odin and Noah, briskly trots down the aisle and into the ring)
JG>Third, with a few of his fellow biomonsters, a CHIRPER from Phantasy Star 3!
(A fluffy bird-like creature bounces down to the ring, flapping its little wings wildly. It's followed by a rodent-shaped Eindon, an alien-like Moos and the humanoid Khalidah)
ND>And lastly, from Grandia, PUI the Giant Butterfly with allies Justin, Sue and Fina!
(Sue walks down to the ring and climbs inside with Pui on top of her head the whole time. Justin and Fina take their places in another corner...by now, all of the trainers/friends are outside of the ring behind their fighters respective corners)
Mills Lane>Little girl, take the bug off your head and please clear the ring (Sue does so as Pui begins to hover)...alright, I want a good clean fight and try to not to bore everyone...LET'S GET IT ON!!!
JG>And the fight is on...two cats, a bird and a butterfly...can't imagine who's going to win this one...
ND>Well Johnny, remember that in the felines cases, no transformations are allowed during the course of the fight...that may help even things up a bit.
(Inside the ring, Ruby and Myau are licking their chops as they stare at Chirper. Pui simply flies above all their heads and waits)
JG>I seem to doubt it, Nick. Looks like both cats see the perfect prey...
Justin>Sue, what is Pui doing?! Why isn't he attacking?!
Sue>I think he is...
(As if on cue, the giant moth stops flying in circles and dive bombs toward Myau. The Musk Cat simply ducks and Pui slams into the mat, rebounds off and shakily regains altitude. Myau sees Ruby leap claws first at Chirper and joins in, hoping for a piece of the bird)
Khalidah>Oh no...
(The three animals become a whirling mass of fangs, fur and feathers with an occasional burst of flame from the Red Dragon-Cat.)
Pui> (shakily) Pu, pu, puuu, pu...
(He dive bombs again, smacking into Ruby...then again into Myau. Both felines, covered with scratch and claw wounds, disperse across the ring, leaving a wounded and unconscious Chirper lying flat on his back)
Myau>Okay, I've had it...time for the secret weapon...Alis!
(From the edge of the ring, Alis throws a ball of yarn toward Myau. The Musk Cat grabs it.)
JG>What the...?
ND>What could Myau need yarn for?
Myau>You asked for it...
(The Musk Cat begins to roll around and bat the ball with his paws. The crowd goes silent)
Nall>Is he kiddin'?! Ruby, go get'em!
Hiro>Well...it's kinda cute...
ND>It looks like Myau isn't doing anything constructive...but it seems that Ruby and Pui aren't taking advantage of it yet...
(Myau continues to play with the yarn and meow and purr pleasantly...some members of the crowd began to 'AWWWW')
Fina>That's so cute...awww...
JG>Ruby and Pui seem kinda dazed, Johnny...could this perfomance of extreme cuteness be fazing them?
(Ruby and Pui indeed seem to be calming down, stunned by the display. Ruby suddenly shakes her head and snaps out of it)
Ruby>Oh yeah? I can be more adorable than you!
(Ruby begins to playfully bat one of the turnbuckles. Pui lands in the ring, almost frozen by the sweet images. Chirper begins to stir...one eye opens slightly and he looks around, then at his fellow biomonsters. Moos winks at him then growls at Khalidah and Eindon. They begin to rummage beneath the ring. Chirper painfully winks back and closes his eye, laying still. The crowd begins to 'AWWWW' louder.)
JG>Oh...everyone expected a real catfight here and we've got them trying to max out the adorability meter...
ND>Uh oh, looks like Pui's trying something.
(Pui wakes out of the cute-induced trance and attempts to break in with his own display. Sue throws her pom-poms into the ring and Pui begins to do his little dance with them.)
JG>And the dreaded Pui-Pui dance commences...
Pui>Pu, pu, pu, pu, puu-puu!
(Myau, meanwhile is now tangled up in the yarn and is rolling over repeatedly. Ruby gives herself a bath simultaneously. Pui slows his dance and seems stunned again. Purring happily, Ruby strides over to him.)
Fina>How precious...
Justin> (trying to shake it off himself) Pui, wake up!
JG>Looks like Pui loses the competition...he's completely gone...get the pins ready and the book opened...
Pui>Puuuuuuu...
(Ruby smiles and grabs Pui's antennas with her paws. She proceeds to swing him around at high speeds like a bola.)
Sue>Hey, that's MY move!!!
Ruby>Bye-bye buggy...meow...
Pui>PUUUUU!!!
(Ruby let's go and Pui flies off at amazing speed...right toward the commentator's booth. He narrowly misses JG and ND and slams into the wall behind them. Sue, Justin and Fina run up the aisle and wait for him to slowly slide down the wall, motionless.)
JG>Looks like Pui's been jarred for good, Nick.
ND>Ha, ha. That moth is off to the giant bug-light in the sky.
Nall>Nice one, pinky!
Alis>C'Mon Myau, you can out-cute her anyday!
Noah>Do the bunny impression!
Odin>The what?
Alis>He's half-cat, half-rabbit....watch him lop his ears.
JG>Heh, heh...this fight could go on all night...and-
(The bell rings)
JG>The bell rings? Since when do we have rounds here?
ND>Um...we never did...(begins to rummage around for the book again)
(Inside the ring, Ruby and Myau move to their corners where their friends emerge and begin to administer aid. Khalidah enters the ring, picks up Chirper and moves him to his corner. The bird wakes, still quite dizzy. Mills Lane picks up the scattered feathers and yarn and throws them out of the ring.)
Hiro>Are you okay Ruby? (massages one of her paws)
Ruby> (sweating profusely) Whoa...he's tough...I would've thought he'd be too calmed to fight back by now.
Nall> (holds up a squeaky mouse) Try this...it'll win you the fight for sure. Hey Hiro, find something for her to drink.
(Hiro looks around and happens to find a saucer of milk on a stool nearby. He guesses that ring personnel set it up for just this purpose and brings it over.)
Nall>Perfect! Drink it in the ring and you're sure to kill him with kawaii-ness.
(In the other corner, Alis is wiping Myau's forehead with a cloth as he pants. Odin looks on.)
Alis>You heard what Noah said...try that impression in tandem with the yarn and her head will blow up from the result.
Myau>Man, I'm thirsty...hope this is over soon.
Alis> (looks around) Odin, get Noah over here and tell him, uh, her, ah, it to get the yarn back and find some water for Myau.
Odin>Already found some milk on a stool over here...will that do?
Myau>Definitely! I'm so thirsty...plus it'll be cute!
(In the last corner, the bios murmur to each other and glance at the other corners. Moos smiles and watches as Khalidah places Chirper back in the ring. Eindon pushes a large plastic tray into the ring next to him.)
JG>And here comes Round 2...sounds like the crowd hasn't recovered yet.
(The bell rings and Mills Lane calls the fighters back in. Myau and Ruby simultaneously begin to drink the saucers of milk, causing a lot more 'AWWWW'-ing around the arena. Chirper can barely stand up in one of the corners.)
ND>This looks like it's going to be the same onslaught as the last round.
(Myau finishes his milk and begins to hop around the ring, wrapped up again in yarn with his ears lopped-over at the side of his head. Ruby, fazed slightly, slurps her saucer clean and starts playing with the squeaky catnip mouse.)
JG and ND> *sigh*
(Suddenly, both cats' eyes widen considerably, their stomachs rumbling loudly.)
Myau and Ruby>OHHHHhhhhhhh.....
Alis>What's the matter, Myau?!
Hiro>Ruby?
(Eindon shoves the plastic tray toward the center of the ring)
ND>I don't believe it...a litter box?
(Myau and Ruby see it and dash toward the tray, then begin to fight over who gets first to do a #2)
JG>Well, this is a strange turn of events.
ND>When you gotta go, you gotta go, I suppose.
Ruby>Hold it...since neither of us can't...let's just share it and then get back to the fight...
Myau>Whatever...just let me in there!
(The two cats hop in and settle down)
Myau and Ruby>AHHHHhhhhhh...
ML>Don't dirty my ring!
(In Chirper's corner, Moos nudges an empty bottle of laxative back under the ring. The two cats suddenly feel some movement in the litter box.)
JG and ND>Eh?
(A loud CLANG is heard as a cloud of dust covers the litter box. When it clears, the closed jaws of a large bear-trap are sticking up out of the sand with several unmoving paws, wings and tails sticking out.)
Alis, Odin, Noah, Nall, Hiro>!!!
ML>And the winner is CHIRPER! (he holds up a mangled wing of the softly chirping bird)
JG>Oh ho! The old 'Restroom of Doom' move...nifty winning move by the bio-bird.
ND>Talk about getting bit on the ass...(finally finds the translation book and begins to page through it).
(Inside the ring, Odin and Hiro try to unsuccessfully force the trap open as Chirper is carried around by Moos, Khalidah and Eindon)
JG>Well, that ends another (surprisingly) violent evening of action here on RPG Celebrity Deathmatch. I'm Johnny Gomez and for Nick Diamond and the rest of us, good fight, good night!
ND>Hey! Do you know what the little creep called us?!
(shows the page to JG)
JG>Why what little...
(the two hosts rush out of the booth to find...and kill...the moogle)