The Hitch Hiker's Guide to...Lunar?

The Burg Pub was just your average bar. For so early in the day it was surprisingly packed. The people here knew Alex very well, and a storm of Waaaz up! type greetings followed his and Hiro's entrance. "What can I get for you Mr. Dent?" the bartender asked.

Alex was going to say something like, "Just some food, thanks."

Hiro spoke first however. "We'll have six pints of Meribian whisky."

"Six pints?" the barman asked in some surprise.

"Three are for my friend here." He stepped quite firmly on Alex's foot to keep him from talking.

"Will you please tell me what the hell's going on!?" Alex demanded.

"This planet's doomed," Hiro replied. "Last night I was fooling around with my CB radio and I heard that there's a fleet of Zopharian constructor ships headed this way. The fact that it's the Zopharians can mean only one thing."

Alex spat out the mouthful of whisky. "What!?" he spluttered. "You've got to be kidding! You expect me to buy some story about aliens! They're not even real!"

"Well," said Hiro, "I'd tell that to them. They don't know they're not real. Anyways, they want to build some sort of Hyperspace bypass. Boy, this is really starting to sound like that earth book...what was it? ...Guide to the Galaxy?"

"Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy," supplied one of the other patrons. "Did you hear? Douglas Adams died about a year ago."

"A moment of silence for the memory of the great Douglas Adams," proposed another patron.

However, it was in that moment of silence that the bulldozer drivers, whom Alex had every reason not to trust, made their move. Alex was just finally finishing up his third pint when there came the distant sound of a rending crash. "What's that!?" he cried, barely managing to avoid spitting out more beer.

"They haven't started yet," Hiro assured him.

"Good," Alex said, relaxing.

"I'd say that's the sound of your house getting the finger," Hiro surmised.

"What!?" Alex leapt to his feet.

"It doesn't matter anymore!" Hiro cried, "Get back here!" But Alex had already reached the door, and as Hiro watched, he dashed from the pub, furiously waving a... nearly empty beer glass. He made no friends at all in the pub that day.

"Stop, you bastards!" Alex bellowed. "I'll kick your fucking asses! You'll pay for this, I promise you! I'll sue you for every penny you've got, and then I'll---What the hell!!?" He tripped on something and toppled over, landing on his back. In this position, he became aware that a fleet of huge not yellow somethings were streaking through the sky. This was entirely too much. He let loose with a Homer Simpson type scream.

Hiro had reached him by now and jerked him to his feet. "Come on!" he said, "Take hold of this!" He was holding out what seemed to be an electronic thumb.

"But what's it for!?" Alex bellowed over the incredibly loud noise of the wind and the engines of the not yellow machines.

"We're getting out of here!" Then one of the ships opened a communication channel and hailed the planet. This is what it said.

"People of Caldor Isle, your attention pleas! This is Captain Zophar, ruler of the Zopharian Galaxy. As you are no doubt aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the western spiral arm of the galaxy... well, this place is gonna be the site of the new Hyperspacial express route. Unfortunately or fortunately, however you wanna look at it, this planet's in the way. We're gonna have to blow it up."

A wave of angry voices. Then, "What!? How could you not know!? These plans have been in place for fifty years! All you had to do is go to your local Shrine of Zophar and take a look!" More angry voices, then, "Excuse me!? What's this about no Shrines of Zophar on this planet!? All planets have 'em!" More yells, then, "Well then there's all the more reason to blow up this pathetic dustball! Energize... or something." After the speech, there came a terrible, ghastly silence. Then there was a terrible, ghastly noise. There was a terrible, ghastly silence. The Zopharian constructor Fleet coasted away into the inky, starry void.

Back to Message Board Madness.

Back to the Library of Vane.

Back to the Shrine to Ghaleon.