We now return to our little friend Zophar. When we last saw him, he had just got dumped by Althena, and has vowed revenge against her. He also scorched a whole lot of people. In this installment, Zophar is banished from his high school, and begins his semi-semi-legendary quest for the king of the gods. Zophar is now in trial for the incineration of 17 students.
"Zophar, Zophar, Zophar," the principal scolded. "I warned you, and I warned you, but you just didn't listen. Why did you do it Zophar! Why!"
Zophar shrugged. "Search me, guess I was bored."
"Zophar, the truth please," scolded the principal. "We all now that you're not that evil yet. A little disturbed, but not evil."
"But I want to be evil!" Zophar whined. "Why won't you let me be evil?"
"It's a well known fact Mr. Girlyman," snickers can be heard throughout the courtroom, "that trasnvestites really aren't all that evil. Just a little disturbed."
Zophar had reached his limit. "I, AM, NOT, A, TRANSVESTITE!"
"Don't you yell at me!"
Suddenly, Althena falls to the floor screaming. "It's him!" she wails as she points at Zophar. "He's sendin' his specter against me! He be a givin' me a beatin'!"
"What's this!" The principal yelled.
"That man, that be a evil man!" Althena acused.
"Why thank you Althena! It's about time someone realized how evil I am!"
"So you admit it!" the principal yelled. "You conversed with the Devil and sent your spirit to torment this girl!"
"Devil? What the hell are you talking about?"
Althena was now stammering backward with a frightened look on her face. "It's the bird! The yellow bird is above him!" The entire crowd gasped. "That be the Devil's bird! The Devil, he be commin' for me!"
The principal was now standing tall. "Zophar, stop tormenting this sweet girl now! Repent your sins and we will help save you from the Devil's grip!"
"I'm not in the Devil's grip!"
Althena now grabbed her neck as if she was being choked. "His spirit is choking me!"
The principal banged his mallot. "It's determined, Zophar is a witch. To test this theory, we will tie you up and throw you in a lake. If you come back up, it means that God's water has refused your vile body. We will then burn you at the stake. If you don't come up, it means that you're not a witch. Fair?"
"No it's not fair! Either way I die! And if I'm innocent, I still freakin drown!"
"Oh well, I never really liked you anyway. Take him away."
Zophar was now on his knees crying. "I don't want to die! I'm not a witch, I don't want to die!" The entire crowd suddenly bursts into laughter. Zophar looks around puzzled. "What the hell is going on here?"
"I guess your not as evil as you think Zophar," the principal told him.
"What?"
"This whole time, we've just been testing if you're really as evil as you think you are. A really evil person wouldn't cry like a baby."
"Crap, you're right."
The principal left the podium and walked towards Zophar. "What you have to do, is go see the king of the gods. He, and only he, can show you how to be truly evil."
"Thanks!" Zophar screamed. "How do I get there?"
"You have to cross thousands of miles of desert to the city of Oogoo-toogoo-loogoo-googoo."
"Um, can't I just take a plane?"
"I guess so, but it would be a lot less dramatic."
Zophar turned and began to run for the airport. "Dramatic shamatic! I'm gonna be evil!"
And so, Zophar barely escapes being burned at the stake, and crossing a large desert. Zophar must now travel to Oogoo-toogoo-loogoo-googoo and find the king of the gods. Can he do it? Who the hell cares, I'm getting tired of this transvestite.